Why Do Feminists Rant About Rape Culture?

I was shocked and amazed to see the following video come across my Google+ feed:



WOW!!

 

So I even went back to watch the his rebuttal video to be sure I wasn't just having a knee jerk reaction...

TL;dr -- this guy is an asshat who's victim blaming and doesn't know the definition of rape.

To start off with, I agree "teach your son's not to rape" won't solve 100% rapes. There will always be people who are deviant, violent or mentally ill. There will always be situations where things went to far and one party couldn't take no for an answer. So I agree the solution to rape isn't we need to teach boys not to rape, but this video does show why we need to teach boys ABOUT rape, and what constitutes rape.

But they aren't the only ones that need to be taught about rape.   So YES, I agree, there are things we need to teach girls to help mitigate their risk (have a buddy system, don't go off alone, don't accept drinks from strangers)...

But, so many of the things that came out of this man's mouth were so wrong. Notice I didn't say to keep safe from rape you need to dress conservatively or not dance suggestively. This is victim blaming no matter what that man in the video says. 





It's like saying if you want to stay safe from mugging don't wear expensive clothing. While it's true if I dress like a homeless person I probably won't be targeted for a mugging, but it doesn't guarantee that it won't happen. Mugging is a crime and it shouldn't matter if I have on a ten thousand dollar watch or if I'm wearing a Walmart outfit. The mugger is at fault.

The Commentator argues in the rebuttal video that the Feminist out cry over what he says contributes to girls being unsafe.  Or as he eloquently put it 'Feminist logic' Stay Safe = You Deserve To Be Raped. 

He's missing the point of the anger. In a culture that is saturated with victim blaming, a man telling girls that the length of their skirt and drinking too much puts them at risk reinforces the perception that the victim is at fault. 

Yes there are things we can all do to be safer, but if the point in that video is to teach girls to be safe, there are better things to teach young girls than don't dance suggestively!!!

Why aren't we talking about friends looking out for each other? Why aren't we talking about how to be young and be able to enjoy drinking and dancing AND STILL stay safe by have a Designated Sober friend? Why aren't we recommending girls have friends ID check potential dates (hookups)?  These are ways we can teach girls to be safe that doesn't promote victim blaming.

Dancing provocatively and turning on a guy, is no excuse for rape.  The bump and grind on a dance floor doesn't constitute consent.  And I'm so sorry you're turned on, find someone else who's willing or go home and take care of it yourself!!!

 

But back to the original "teach boys not to rape" argument that started the video. The reason why "feminist" still say things like this is because jack asses still say things like it's not rape if you're just having bad sex and you want it to stop and it doesn't. 

Um no JACKASS that would be rape. I don't care if you're about to climax, if for whatever reason your partner isn't comfortable or doesn't want to continue sex needs to stop or you've CROSSED THE LINE from bad sex to RAPE. 

To say if you drink too much you are ultimately responsible if someone has sex with you while you're passed out and equating it to a drunk driver is why we still say men need to be taught not to rape. Having sex with a woman (or man) who's drunk and passed out is not like drunk driving, it's more like saying if someone comes across a drunk person and kills them it's the drunk person's fault because, you know, they were drunk.

Now drunk sex is a whole different topic. If both parties are drink beyond the point that either can make rational choices, the waters get a bit muddy. Let's face it plenty of bad choices have been made while intoxicated. Men, as well as women, have sex while intoxicated when they might not have done so sober. Regretting the choice in the morning, because your inhibitions were lower, doesn't mean it was rape. (hence the use of a buddy system while drinking!!)

But the one clear thing is that if one party is unconscious... if one party isn't drunk, then it's rape. If a person is incapable, for what ever reason, to consent to sex and you go ahead. IT IS RAPE!

Yes this is a long rant, but this video (and the first one he made) make me crazy. I'm not afraid of sex or sexuality. I don't want my daughter to be either. I hate that people still point to 'if she wasn't wearing that sexy dress then maybe...' or "If she didn't drink so much.."

Moms shouldn't let other Moms Slut-Shame

So I've been hot on G+ today with the topic of Body-Shaming. One thing I found today that really stood out was an article posted by xoJane.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MOTHER OF TEENAGE SONS WHO POSTED THE WEIRD SLUT-SHAMING RULES FOR TEENAGE GIRLS LIKE ME ON FACEBOOK.

So in an attempt to be a 'good mom' one mother wrote an blog post to the teenage girls on her son's facebook page, scolding them for posting “sexy selfies”

While I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting girls to be aware of how their actions might be seen to others (certainly as a mom I want my own daughter to be aware of the image she's presenting online), her post crossed from 'let me give you sage advice from one woman to another' into 'Slut-Shaming'.

I don't think we should shame girls for feeling comfortable in their bodies. We aren't talking about girls exposing their breast or posing in underwear either.

From her post:

"Wow – you sure took a bunch of selfies in your skimpy pj’s this summer! "

"But then I can’t help but notice the red carpet pose, the extra-arched back, and the sultry pout. What’s up? None of these positions is one I naturally assume before sleep, this I know."

"Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it? You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?"

WTF??? Did I miss the memo?  Are we back in the 1800s where men can't be responsible for their actions if the glimpse a bare ankle?!?!?

Don't get me wrong.  I think girls need to watch out what they are posting on line.  As do boys. But we need to talk to our kids these issues, not making them feel ashamed of their bodies. 

I love Tuesday Cain's response in the xoJane post:

"The bodies of young girls are not dangerous. But you know what is? Teaching young women they should be ashamed of their bodies."

I'm not the only one in the blogosphere who has issues with this.  Some of my favorite are

What if Mrs. Hall instead taught her boys what it’s like to grow up female and bombarded with these toxic messages? Imagine the potential for compassion and understanding to take root in her sons’ hearts and minds! Imagine how empowered they would be to effect change in their corner of the world! Imagine how motivated they might be to respect women, to be allies, and to demand equality! 

Instead, Mrs. Hall wastes energy and precious formative years teaching her boys that it’s the responsibility of young women they encounter to not sexually stimulate her sons. She is teaching them they have no agency over their sexual desires and that their only recourse is to be shielded from female skin. She is teaching her sons to alienate girls with normal desires and to join in on slut-shaming. Hellooo rape-culture! Truthfully

 This isn't just an issue of shaming, it's also an issue of how we view young girls vs young men.  The original post had photos of the family enjoying a day at the beach in their bathing suits.  (it has since been changes since it was pointed out how ridiculous that was.  She's telling young girls not to take photos in their PJs and in a towel, but she's fine with her boys being half naked.)

Mommyish blogger Koa Beck wrote that the "real issue here is sexist perception and the fact that we’ve culturally deemed a young girl in pajamas as innately salacious, but young men in bathing suits showing off their bods is just a wholesome PG time for all. 'FYI (if you’re a teenage girl),' this is pot meets kettle, the slut shaming edition."

Just so we are clear.

If you want to be a good mom, and not have to worry about sexualizing the girls in your life son's do these two thing:

1. Teach your daughters to love their bodies, respect other people, and DEMAND that they are respected (no matter how pouty their lips are).

2. Teach your SONS that women aren't only sexual objects, that it's okay to appreciate a woman's (or man's) physique without it being about sex, and Slut-shaming is NOT OKAY!

50 Shades of Grey: Erotica and Truth in Fiction.

 

If you know me at all, you’ve probably seen my rants about sexism in science fiction and fantasy, and how superheroes, comic books, and games all tend to sexualize females instead of portraying real women. This got me thinking about what responsibility of writer has to portray realistic relationships in their writings. Particularly in the romance/erotica genre.  One of my biggest complaints about the romance/erotica genre is the unrealistic relationships between most of the women and men.  But what does the responsibility of the writer come down to? Should a writer be responsible for portraying real and healthy relationships?

I just finished two series of books, both erotica, both about dominance and submission (D/s). They both painted very different pictures of that kind of relationship. I’ll get to my review of them this week (I promise), but first I’d like to start with a popular series of books on D/s relationships that most people will at least know of, if not read: 50 Shades of Grey.

In full disclosure I did not read past the first book of 50 Shades. Please don’t email me and to tell me that the books got better or the dynamic between the two main characters changed. After the first book I knew I wasn’t terribly interested, because I felt that while it may have been a hot and steamy book, the relationship was unhealthy at best.

But was it the author’s responsibility to portray a real D/s relationship?

Maybe?

A lot of people really liked those books. Some people even said they improved their sex life. My rub is these books have been the first introduction to kink for a lot of people, and the picture it paints isn’t very flattering. Even more, the books perpetuated terrible stereotypes.

My issues aren’t with the exchange in power or the acts of submission and dominance portrayed…My issues with the book are the mental health of the characters. Christian Gray is a broken man with serious stalker tendencies, and because he’s damaged he’s into sadism and domination (at least that’s the conclusion the book seems to draw).

To be honest I think Anastasia was an idiot to give him control when it was clear the man needed to see a therapist. But perhaps this was the author’s purpose, if pure, virginal Anastasia can ‘fix’ him, he won’t need to be into BDSM.

The book furthers the impression that BDSM relationships are wrong and people who enjoy them have issues. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder) has listed sexual sadism and sexual masochism as a “paraphilia” for years. Putting these into a mental health manual tells society there’s something wrong with people who enjoy it. The view in the Psychiatric community has changed over the years. The American Psychiatric Association website posted updates to the paraphilic disorders and actually said that "most people with atypical sexual interests do not have a mental disorder."

As a matter of fact a published study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has found that people who participate in BDSM have better mental health then people who only practice ‘vanilla’ sex. The report says BDSM participants were “less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being.” Perhaps it’s because the BDSM community encourages open communication and honesty. In order to participate in a healthy BDSM relationship, there’s a lot of give and take.

But back to 50 Shade…The portrayal of Christian goes back to these old notions that Doms must have control issues. There has to be something wrong with them in order to enjoy the dominance and sadism.

Fantasy is fantasy and I’d like to think readers can identify that this is not a manual to kink, but with the movie coming out there’s a new drive to say 50 Shades is just a book that romanticizes an abusive relationship.

Bullshit. 

When I hear things like:

Mass book burning of 50 Shades:
'I do not think I can put into words how vile I think this book is and how dangerous I think the idea is that you get a sophisticated but naive, young women and a much richer, abusive older man who beats her up and does some dreadful things to her sexually. 'My main objection is that at a time when local authorities are making cuts to outreach and refuge services for women experiencing domestic violence, we have libraries wasting and grossly misusing public money to buy a book which says: "domestic violence is sexy".

or

Leaning in and submitting, whether in life or in fantasy are not "hot" -- they are belittling. These actions erase us as women, as people.
But, the solution. Let's stand up straight, we can bounce at the knees for a stronger stance and flexibility as we stand, but we must refuse to kneel. The farther we lean in, the faster we're going to end up down and down is the last place we want to be. a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vanessa-garcia/why-i-wont-lean-in_b_3586527.html">Huffington Post

These recent articles are the reasons I care. That a book...(and not one I find very accurate) has the power to make women ashamed for their fantasies  (or the opposite, men to feel like abusers because they have the desire to be dominate), is a load of crap. 

I don't mind being whipped, as long as she handcuffs me first.

 

Hey, if it’s not your thing fine, but we should stop shamming people who are in consensual relationships that exchange power.  We need to stop shamming women and men for fantasizing or enjoying sex that out of the norm. As long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual why does it matter?

While I agree fiction is an escape, there should be some responsibility in the author's hands.  Just like I scream that there needs to be more balance in the sexism presented in comics and games, I believe there needs to be balance in books.  Let me enjoy my smut.  Give me real characters. Don't perpetuate stereotypes. Shade my fantasies with TRUTH not Grey.

If you’re interesting in learning what a D/s relationship can be like, the author of Diary of a Submissive has a wonderful article about what 50 Shades got wrong. This is just one view...there are many different types of BDSM relationships out there.

Shame is an epidemic

Too many of us were raised in a family or culture that encouraged shame. Not only that you should feel shame, but you should shame others. We are discouraged from expressing emotions. We are told: “Don’t be a baby.” “Big kids don’t cry.” Or “Man up.” So instead of developing skills to express our feeling, we internalize and develop shame.

“Shame is not guilt.
Shame is a focus on self,
Guilt is a focus on behavior.
Shame is “I am bad”
Guilt is “I did something bad”
~ Brene Brown ~

 

Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on shame really inspired me to take a long look at the shame culture that surrounded me. I personally have very little shame.  Without shame I find myself happier than I've ever been, but I still have friends that grapple with this issue on a daily basis.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I've never felt shame.  It took years to shed the chains of shame surrounding my body and sex that were forced onto me by well meaning adults in my life. When I was finally able to get over them, I was able to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

But after getting married and having kids I was surprised to find myself shackled with a whole new round of shame involving my parenting skills.

Becoming a mother should have been the most rewarding experience of my life, but again I found myself filled with self-doubt and shame over my abilities, over the fact I wasn't June Clever. Even worse OTHER moms heaped on loads of judgment and ridicule.  Trust me the playground is a brutal war ground. 

It wasn’t until I had a young mother show up on my doorstep unexpectedly, needing to talk. I invited her in, into my messy house (I like to joke my style is postmodern burglarized.) I apologized for the mess, filled with shame over my lack of a ‘company ready’ house. But it was after our talk (she’d been struggling with her mother-in-law and wanted some advice) when she thanked me, and told me how nice it was to see that other moms weren’t perfect all the time.

Never going to make the cover of Better Homes and Gardens

 

That’s when I realized I needed to ditch the shame. As long as my kids were happy and healthy, well adjusted (as well adjusted they can get with parents like us) I’m doing what my family needs and I didn’t need the guilt and shame.  Really aren't we all just trying to do our best?  Make other's feel bad won't make us feel any better.

Shame and gender.

Shame for women is something I’m well acquainted with. My early years, like so many women, were filled with shame. Shame about my body, shame about my intelligence, shame about my sexuality. Shame, for women, is a complex web woven with unobtainable, conflicting, and competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be.

And that’s the kicker. There’s no way to win. Be a sexual goddess, but demure. Be a loving, hands on mom, always there for you kids, but have a successful career. Do all this and have a house ready for a photo shot at all times.

It took me a long time, a wonderful marriage, and some really good friendships before I learned not to give a fuck about what society expects of me. So yes, I know what it’s like to feel shame as a woman.

The thing that struck me from Brown’s talk was when she spoke about how men feel shame. Brené tells of the man who inspired her to begin studying men, not just women. What he said shocked me:

“You say to reach out, tell your story, be vulnerable. . . but [my wife and three daughters] would rather me die on my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out to be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us, and don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads, because the women in my life are harder on me than anybody else.”

That quote was like a kick in the gut. He’s right and wrong. So often we expect our men to be sensitive and open, but never stop being the strong providers and defenders. I think back to when I was a SAHM and how my husband told me how he felt like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders because he was our sole bread winner.

So my fellow women, we do not hold the market on Shame. I need to kiss my husband now.

“Me too.”

Secrecy, silence, and judgment are the breeding ground for shame, but Empathy is the antidote to shame. Working with breast cancer survivors has really taught me the best way to help someone get over shame is to share your own experience. Having someone else say, “Yes, that happened to me.”  

The best thing we can do is speak up and DON’T Judge.  By coming together, being empathetic, we can help put shame in its place.

Shame is “the swampland of the soul.” 

~Carl Jung.

Jung was on to something there. But the one thing we need to remember:

We don’t have to live there. DON'T get stuck there. Put on some galoshes and wade through that shit. Get to the other side. It's nice over here...and we have cookies (or was that the dark side?!?!) Hell we at least have liquor.  So, drop the shame and join me. :)