Moms shouldn't let other Moms Slut-Shame

So I've been hot on G+ today with the topic of Body-Shaming. One thing I found today that really stood out was an article posted by xoJane.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MOTHER OF TEENAGE SONS WHO POSTED THE WEIRD SLUT-SHAMING RULES FOR TEENAGE GIRLS LIKE ME ON FACEBOOK.

So in an attempt to be a 'good mom' one mother wrote an blog post to the teenage girls on her son's facebook page, scolding them for posting “sexy selfies”

While I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting girls to be aware of how their actions might be seen to others (certainly as a mom I want my own daughter to be aware of the image she's presenting online), her post crossed from 'let me give you sage advice from one woman to another' into 'Slut-Shaming'.

I don't think we should shame girls for feeling comfortable in their bodies. We aren't talking about girls exposing their breast or posing in underwear either.

From her post:

"Wow – you sure took a bunch of selfies in your skimpy pj’s this summer! "

"But then I can’t help but notice the red carpet pose, the extra-arched back, and the sultry pout. What’s up? None of these positions is one I naturally assume before sleep, this I know."

"Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it? You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?"

WTF??? Did I miss the memo?  Are we back in the 1800s where men can't be responsible for their actions if the glimpse a bare ankle?!?!?

Don't get me wrong.  I think girls need to watch out what they are posting on line.  As do boys. But we need to talk to our kids these issues, not making them feel ashamed of their bodies. 

I love Tuesday Cain's response in the xoJane post:

"The bodies of young girls are not dangerous. But you know what is? Teaching young women they should be ashamed of their bodies."

I'm not the only one in the blogosphere who has issues with this.  Some of my favorite are

What if Mrs. Hall instead taught her boys what it’s like to grow up female and bombarded with these toxic messages? Imagine the potential for compassion and understanding to take root in her sons’ hearts and minds! Imagine how empowered they would be to effect change in their corner of the world! Imagine how motivated they might be to respect women, to be allies, and to demand equality! 

Instead, Mrs. Hall wastes energy and precious formative years teaching her boys that it’s the responsibility of young women they encounter to not sexually stimulate her sons. She is teaching them they have no agency over their sexual desires and that their only recourse is to be shielded from female skin. She is teaching her sons to alienate girls with normal desires and to join in on slut-shaming. Hellooo rape-culture! Truthfully

 This isn't just an issue of shaming, it's also an issue of how we view young girls vs young men.  The original post had photos of the family enjoying a day at the beach in their bathing suits.  (it has since been changes since it was pointed out how ridiculous that was.  She's telling young girls not to take photos in their PJs and in a towel, but she's fine with her boys being half naked.)

Mommyish blogger Koa Beck wrote that the "real issue here is sexist perception and the fact that we’ve culturally deemed a young girl in pajamas as innately salacious, but young men in bathing suits showing off their bods is just a wholesome PG time for all. 'FYI (if you’re a teenage girl),' this is pot meets kettle, the slut shaming edition."

Just so we are clear.

If you want to be a good mom, and not have to worry about sexualizing the girls in your life son's do these two thing:

1. Teach your daughters to love their bodies, respect other people, and DEMAND that they are respected (no matter how pouty their lips are).

2. Teach your SONS that women aren't only sexual objects, that it's okay to appreciate a woman's (or man's) physique without it being about sex, and Slut-shaming is NOT OKAY!

The Shambling Guide to New York City by Mur Lafferty: Book Review

Last month I finished The Shambling Guide to New York City by Mur Lafferty and I thought it was high time I did a review.  

Urban Fantasy is one of my favorite genres, and I was excited to find The Shambling Guide book. It struck me as something different.  UF tends to take itself way too serious at times.  I love finding quirky, tongue-in-cheek books to smooth out the dark and devious ones I so often read.   Lafferty’s book definitely did that for me.

Premise:

The Hero of the story is a human, Zoe, who stumbles into the hidden world of monster (coterie) hidden among us. We get to follow her as she applies for a job to edit a travel guide for the coterie, and learns all about the world most normal people are unaware exists.   This helps transition the reader into the world Lafferty has created without it being too forced. 

High Points:

What I find most refreshing is that, while not without ‘skills’ of her own, Zoe isn’t a kiss ass ‘strong independent woman’.  She’s fairly normal; with a list of screw ups that has landed her back home in NYC.   I really appreciate this. Not only is the character relatable, she can be strong without having to be bad-assed.  I give Lafferty very high marks for this.

Nothing says: 'strong, independent woman' like a skin tight leather suit and high heels.

 

I also enjoyed the dialog.  Lafferty style is face pace and cheeky.  There were several places I laughed out loud. The story moved along at a nice pace and the characters were entertaining.

I would be amiss not to mention the ‘guide’ itself. The idea that and URBAN fantasy be centered on a series of guide books is genius!   Between chapters there are short excerpts from the Shambling Guidebook.  They made for fun and reveling asides between the narratives….

Low Points:

…however, near the end of the book I found the excerpt to be intrusive.  I wanted the story to move on and found the little asides slowed the pace.

Speaking of the end of the book, this is where things started to come apart.  The Big Ending revealed a villain that is a bit to inconvenient.   By the end of the book ALL the loose ends get tied up too neatly. (heck even Zoe commented about how tidy this was).  Outside of that the events were way too big to just be missed, and somehow they all get rationalized in the media.  I found that to be the hardest to swallow. I would have liked it more if the author used some of the standby tropes of the genre (mist or veils… the fog of the human mind to ‘forget’ the supernatural).

But as it stand, the humans are stupid and will buy what most media tells them…Okay, so maybe it’s not that farfetched.  Just saying!

picture credit: ~victormancuso

 

Conclusion:

I really enjoyed the book and have plans to put the next guide (New Orleans) on my reading list.  While it has some issues, there’s nothing I couldn’t overlook, and I LOVED the premise.  I can’t wait to see where Lafferty take this!

 

On a side note: I listen to the audiobook.  It was narrated by the author herself, and while I’m usually weary of self-narrated titles (come on authors… you’re writers not actors, leave the narration to the professionals) I didn’t hesitate with Mur Lafferty.  Lafferty, geek girl, essayist, and longtime Podcaster, is well suited for the job. She’s been working with voice recordings for years, and I thought her narration was done well.  

50 Shades of Grey: Erotica and Truth in Fiction.

 

If you know me at all, you’ve probably seen my rants about sexism in science fiction and fantasy, and how superheroes, comic books, and games all tend to sexualize females instead of portraying real women. This got me thinking about what responsibility of writer has to portray realistic relationships in their writings. Particularly in the romance/erotica genre.  One of my biggest complaints about the romance/erotica genre is the unrealistic relationships between most of the women and men.  But what does the responsibility of the writer come down to? Should a writer be responsible for portraying real and healthy relationships?

I just finished two series of books, both erotica, both about dominance and submission (D/s). They both painted very different pictures of that kind of relationship. I’ll get to my review of them this week (I promise), but first I’d like to start with a popular series of books on D/s relationships that most people will at least know of, if not read: 50 Shades of Grey.

In full disclosure I did not read past the first book of 50 Shades. Please don’t email me and to tell me that the books got better or the dynamic between the two main characters changed. After the first book I knew I wasn’t terribly interested, because I felt that while it may have been a hot and steamy book, the relationship was unhealthy at best.

But was it the author’s responsibility to portray a real D/s relationship?

Maybe?

A lot of people really liked those books. Some people even said they improved their sex life. My rub is these books have been the first introduction to kink for a lot of people, and the picture it paints isn’t very flattering. Even more, the books perpetuated terrible stereotypes.

My issues aren’t with the exchange in power or the acts of submission and dominance portrayed…My issues with the book are the mental health of the characters. Christian Gray is a broken man with serious stalker tendencies, and because he’s damaged he’s into sadism and domination (at least that’s the conclusion the book seems to draw).

To be honest I think Anastasia was an idiot to give him control when it was clear the man needed to see a therapist. But perhaps this was the author’s purpose, if pure, virginal Anastasia can ‘fix’ him, he won’t need to be into BDSM.

The book furthers the impression that BDSM relationships are wrong and people who enjoy them have issues. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder) has listed sexual sadism and sexual masochism as a “paraphilia” for years. Putting these into a mental health manual tells society there’s something wrong with people who enjoy it. The view in the Psychiatric community has changed over the years. The American Psychiatric Association website posted updates to the paraphilic disorders and actually said that "most people with atypical sexual interests do not have a mental disorder."

As a matter of fact a published study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has found that people who participate in BDSM have better mental health then people who only practice ‘vanilla’ sex. The report says BDSM participants were “less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being.” Perhaps it’s because the BDSM community encourages open communication and honesty. In order to participate in a healthy BDSM relationship, there’s a lot of give and take.

But back to 50 Shade…The portrayal of Christian goes back to these old notions that Doms must have control issues. There has to be something wrong with them in order to enjoy the dominance and sadism.

Fantasy is fantasy and I’d like to think readers can identify that this is not a manual to kink, but with the movie coming out there’s a new drive to say 50 Shades is just a book that romanticizes an abusive relationship.

Bullshit. 

When I hear things like:

Mass book burning of 50 Shades:
'I do not think I can put into words how vile I think this book is and how dangerous I think the idea is that you get a sophisticated but naive, young women and a much richer, abusive older man who beats her up and does some dreadful things to her sexually. 'My main objection is that at a time when local authorities are making cuts to outreach and refuge services for women experiencing domestic violence, we have libraries wasting and grossly misusing public money to buy a book which says: "domestic violence is sexy".

or

Leaning in and submitting, whether in life or in fantasy are not "hot" -- they are belittling. These actions erase us as women, as people.
But, the solution. Let's stand up straight, we can bounce at the knees for a stronger stance and flexibility as we stand, but we must refuse to kneel. The farther we lean in, the faster we're going to end up down and down is the last place we want to be. a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vanessa-garcia/why-i-wont-lean-in_b_3586527.html">Huffington Post

These recent articles are the reasons I care. That a book...(and not one I find very accurate) has the power to make women ashamed for their fantasies  (or the opposite, men to feel like abusers because they have the desire to be dominate), is a load of crap. 

I don't mind being whipped, as long as she handcuffs me first.

 

Hey, if it’s not your thing fine, but we should stop shamming people who are in consensual relationships that exchange power.  We need to stop shamming women and men for fantasizing or enjoying sex that out of the norm. As long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual why does it matter?

While I agree fiction is an escape, there should be some responsibility in the author's hands.  Just like I scream that there needs to be more balance in the sexism presented in comics and games, I believe there needs to be balance in books.  Let me enjoy my smut.  Give me real characters. Don't perpetuate stereotypes. Shade my fantasies with TRUTH not Grey.

If you’re interesting in learning what a D/s relationship can be like, the author of Diary of a Submissive has a wonderful article about what 50 Shades got wrong. This is just one view...there are many different types of BDSM relationships out there.

Raising the Next Generation of Geek Girls

I mustache you a question, but I'm shaving it for later.

My daughter is almost ten and is well on her way to full-fledged Geekhood. She’s a Whovian. Buffy is her hero. She has an emerging love of comic books. She’s a maker and an artist. I love this for my daughter, but I’m also worried. 

Being a Geek Girls wasn’t always easy for me. Most of my friends never understood my obsessions. They didn’t get my references and joke. Being a geek has been almost as isolating as it has been rewarding. 

I see this changing. My daughter has girl friends that not just tolerate her quirks, but embrace them. They play “Don’t Blink” on the playground and have fun dressing like super heroes. She invites them over for Doctor Who marathons and shares her comics. They spend hours creating contraptions and inventions. Her enthusiasm is infectious and she’s well on her way to creating her own Geekdom. I only hope this continues. Shows like Big Bang Theory, Mythbusters and the ever popular comic book movie franchise have made all things geeky cool. People who’ve never cracked a comic book are now heading to Comic-Con in droves. So perhaps there is hope!

Right now it would seem, geek is chic.

Being the odd girl out isn’t the only thing a geek mom has to worry about for her daughter. Young girls are bombarded by images from the media telling them they aren’t pretty enough, sexy enough, or skinny enough. And sadly the same thing can be said for my beloved Geek Culture. Sexism abounds in the SciFi/Fantasy world. Comics are filled with scantily clad, overly sexualize women. Games are no better. Tall, big busted and a small waist seem to be the norm. Women with curves are discouraged from CosPlay, for fear of being ridiculed and harassed. Even in books there is an attack of women. High fantasy is filled with rape and forced sex. Science fiction and fantasy books that have strong female characters who engage in consensual sex are labeled ‘Chick Lit’ or Paranormal Romance.

 

Now I’m not saying Geek Culture is bad for our young girls. Not at all. But we do need to be prepared to combat these issues and find positive messages for our girls. They’re out there. We just need to make sure that our daughters see the good as well as the bad

I love that my daughter has embraced Geek Culture, and will continue to support her in any way I can. But I believe as the elders in the Geek community, we need to ensure the next generation of Geek Girls can proclaim their Geekdom without fear or rejection. There is a culture shift happening out there right now. Let's continue to support our young girls. Refuse to let cyber bullying, harassment and sexism keep them silent. Stand beside them and Let their Geek Flag fly.

Some of my favorite women/girls in books, movies and TV:

Meg Murray from a Wrinkle in Time.  Emily from The Amulet comics.  Miyazaki’s Kiki from Kiki’s delivery service.   Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  River Song from Doctor Who.   Agatha Heterodyne, from the web comic Girl Genius.  Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series.  Kaylee from Firefly. 

Why I read Erotica

I’m an extremely eclectic reader.  I love Chicks that kick ass and self-deprecating wizards.  Young kids discovering love or the strength inside themselves.  I love zombies and science thrillers.  Heart stopping adventures.  Achingly sweet love stories.  Every genre has something for me to love. 

But there’s one genre that doesn’t get enough love from the writing community.  Erotica.
 

 

I love reading erotica.  I’m not ashamed to say it.  I don’t hide my books from friends and family.  My sex life isn’t lacking.  I read erotica because it’s good fiction.  It’s one of the best genres to showcase true writing talent. 

Bullshit you say?  Most erotica is thinly veiled porn.   

Alas, you are right dear reader.  The genre, so often maligned, is filled with authors with little skill that rush to the sex and leave behind the foreplay.  Erotica, true erotica is NOT PORN.  It really gets my panties in a bunch that it’s acceptable for women to read grocery store romance novels with virginal teenage girls, but the minute you toss in adults who like sex and get wild in the bed it's somehow distasteful.  

It’s not just about the sex; I’ve read hotter sex scenes in Urban Fantasy (thank you Butcher and Harrison for that).  Good erotica is about characters and growth.  It's self discovery and growth rolled up into a hot sexy burrito of passion. (Wow that sounded less pervy in my head…)   Erotica is good reads!

What is good you ask… Well that’s not easy to quantify.  Like any genre, everyone has an opinion.

To start with let’s define what I mean by erotica:

Erotica is any artistic work that deals substantively with erotically stimulating or sexually arousing subject matter. All forms of art may depict erotic content, including painting, sculpture, photography, drama, film, music or literature. Erotica has high-art aspirations, differentiating it from commercial pornography.  (Wikipedia Entry for Erotica)

 For me, like other books it read, there has to be compelling characters, an intriguing plot and most importantly perfect pacing.  Don’t get me wrong… hot sex is a must, but if the writing is off then the whole thing doesn’t work.  One wrong sentence and the illusion is broken.  The scene fails.

This is why I believe any writer can benefit from reading a well written erotic novel. The author not only has to spin a character centric tale about two people falling in love (or lust… depending on the story), but they also have to choreograph sex scenes that are complicated and fraught with tension.    Pacing, stage direction, character building… it’s all there.  Don’t get me wrong, erotica isn’t literary fiction and will never win the Nobel prize for literature… but I don’t care.   I read fiction for fun and erotica is one of my go to genres.

Here are a few I've enjoyed:

 

If you have any suggestions, I’m always looking for new books to add to my reading list :)

Gina Drayer

photo credit: Chris Blakeley via photopin cc

Gender, POV, and Sex in SciFi/Fantasy.

I've been having this discussion with some of my fellow writers.  Fantasy and SciFi have a heavy male readership.  Male or Female POV matters a little, and is easily overlooked....But when you throw in sex, suddenly if it's a female POV, they want to plug your story into the pararomance section.

Wanting to keep as much of my male audience, while still telling an authentic story...I've been going back and forth on how much sex to put in my book.  Because my MC is female I worry about men not wanting to read (and have some evidence from the male beta readers)

So what is it about 1st person female POV and sex scenes that turns men off?   Is it the descriptive writing...describing what the man is doing to 'me' (1POV)
or
Is it the fear that once we introduce sex that the book will rattle on about angst-y love feelings and menses?

Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

It's not like men haven't sexualize women in Science Fiction and Fantasy for years.  So what's the rub?



I found this blog post (and the one early) particularly eye opening on author gender and Reviews in general.
http://radishreviews.com/2013/05/01/over-the-borderline-more-genre-gender-reviews/

Women writers of speculative fiction find themselves open to accusations of writing too much about feelings and having too much romance–and that these things are actively detrimental to speculative fiction (why is this? and “I don’t like it” is not an acceptable answer; there’s lots of stuff I don’t like and I wouldn’t necessarily call it detrimental to an entire genre). I’ve seen this in reviews of books by women–books where, if the author were a man (or if they simply appear to be male), the romantic plot would have been described as “nuanced” and possibly also as “subtle” or “sublime”–but since the book was written by a woman, the fact that there’s a romantic plot is suddenly a flaw.

Furthermore...I have a new hero!
http://geekerella.com/on-the-non-existent-lack-of-katniss-everdeens-in-adult-fiction/

Then let’s say that. Let’s say “I don’t really like reading sex scenes” instead of saying “Urban fantasy is not a good example of strong female characters because they’re having too many damn orgasms.”

 I'm not necessarily saying a good UF needs to have or not have sex.  But it also doesn't mean that the main characters should be celibate.  Most UF is current fiction, right now, and let's face it... sex is a big part of our lives, whether we're getting any or not.  It's in movies, on TV and in our magazines.  Not to have our characters talk about and think about sex is unrealistic.