What's up Wednesday 09/11/13

“What’s Up Wednesday” is a weekly blog hop by Jaime Morrow and Erin Funk. From Jaime: It’s similar in some respects to the Currently… post, but it’s been whittled down to only four headings to make it quicker and more manageable on a weekly basis. Be sure to visit Jaime's blog to add your post to the link list!

What I'm Reading

Bonds of Hope showed up on my kindle last night J so of course I started it. I had just finished with listening to the audio of World War Z and was preparing to start with my writing… but my new book was calling to me.

I started it, but I am putting down my foot (figuratively).  I’ve told myself I’m only reading during bed time.  I really have to get back on a regular writing schedule if I’m going to finish my draft.

What I'm Writing

Blogging:  Trying hard to catch up on my blogging, and I think I’m making some head way.  I have a couple guest blog requests that I think I might have to put on the back burner for now if I’m going to stay on task.

Novel: So after making my bold declaration last week (I will finish my first draft by October…) I haven’t written a thing.  I crammed to finish my critique for my writing group and then fell into reading.  “Just one more book” I kept telling myself.  Well tonight is our weekly write-in and I’m determined to get some work done.  I have about 8 chapters left to write and if I’m going to pump that out in 6 or so weeks I have to really sit down each night and hit my 1000 words a night goal.  I don’t think it’s outside my ability… with a little help from my friends. (I’m think of you Kate!!)

 

What Else I've Been Up To

This weekend we had a wedding.  It’s always fun to see people in love start their lives together. Outside of that we’ve had the normal family drama. 

This month has been big for family stress.  I’ve had to deal with the In-laws totally enable the brother-in-law and his continued worthlessness (and I don’t use that word lightly).  It’s frustrating and infuriating.  I could easily overlook it, except this all revolves around our family business. 

Hubby is preparing to start Grad school; a big part of the stresser for the family issues.  We’re still not sure if Grad school is going to require him to go down to part time, and if so we need to make up his salary by increasing mine.

What Inspires Me Right Now

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I think that’s my issue.  I’ve been really uninspired this last week.  Work stress has encouraged me to hid in my books at night.  I’ve stayed off the social media sites and even off my nightly hangout with my writing buddies.

I need to find my spark again. Maybe I need a swift kick to get me going again.

 

So that's what's been up with me this week.  How has your week been?

 

The Shambling Guide to New York City by Mur Lafferty: Book Review

Last month I finished The Shambling Guide to New York City by Mur Lafferty and I thought it was high time I did a review.  

Urban Fantasy is one of my favorite genres, and I was excited to find The Shambling Guide book. It struck me as something different.  UF tends to take itself way too serious at times.  I love finding quirky, tongue-in-cheek books to smooth out the dark and devious ones I so often read.   Lafferty’s book definitely did that for me.

Premise:

The Hero of the story is a human, Zoe, who stumbles into the hidden world of monster (coterie) hidden among us. We get to follow her as she applies for a job to edit a travel guide for the coterie, and learns all about the world most normal people are unaware exists.   This helps transition the reader into the world Lafferty has created without it being too forced. 

High Points:

What I find most refreshing is that, while not without ‘skills’ of her own, Zoe isn’t a kiss ass ‘strong independent woman’.  She’s fairly normal; with a list of screw ups that has landed her back home in NYC.   I really appreciate this. Not only is the character relatable, she can be strong without having to be bad-assed.  I give Lafferty very high marks for this.

Nothing says: 'strong, independent woman' like a skin tight leather suit and high heels.

 

I also enjoyed the dialog.  Lafferty style is face pace and cheeky.  There were several places I laughed out loud. The story moved along at a nice pace and the characters were entertaining.

I would be amiss not to mention the ‘guide’ itself. The idea that and URBAN fantasy be centered on a series of guide books is genius!   Between chapters there are short excerpts from the Shambling Guidebook.  They made for fun and reveling asides between the narratives….

Low Points:

…however, near the end of the book I found the excerpt to be intrusive.  I wanted the story to move on and found the little asides slowed the pace.

Speaking of the end of the book, this is where things started to come apart.  The Big Ending revealed a villain that is a bit to inconvenient.   By the end of the book ALL the loose ends get tied up too neatly. (heck even Zoe commented about how tidy this was).  Outside of that the events were way too big to just be missed, and somehow they all get rationalized in the media.  I found that to be the hardest to swallow. I would have liked it more if the author used some of the standby tropes of the genre (mist or veils… the fog of the human mind to ‘forget’ the supernatural).

But as it stand, the humans are stupid and will buy what most media tells them…Okay, so maybe it’s not that farfetched.  Just saying!

picture credit: ~victormancuso

 

Conclusion:

I really enjoyed the book and have plans to put the next guide (New Orleans) on my reading list.  While it has some issues, there’s nothing I couldn’t overlook, and I LOVED the premise.  I can’t wait to see where Lafferty take this!

 

On a side note: I listen to the audiobook.  It was narrated by the author herself, and while I’m usually weary of self-narrated titles (come on authors… you’re writers not actors, leave the narration to the professionals) I didn’t hesitate with Mur Lafferty.  Lafferty, geek girl, essayist, and longtime Podcaster, is well suited for the job. She’s been working with voice recordings for years, and I thought her narration was done well.  

50 Shades of Grey: Erotica and Truth in Fiction.

 

If you know me at all, you’ve probably seen my rants about sexism in science fiction and fantasy, and how superheroes, comic books, and games all tend to sexualize females instead of portraying real women. This got me thinking about what responsibility of writer has to portray realistic relationships in their writings. Particularly in the romance/erotica genre.  One of my biggest complaints about the romance/erotica genre is the unrealistic relationships between most of the women and men.  But what does the responsibility of the writer come down to? Should a writer be responsible for portraying real and healthy relationships?

I just finished two series of books, both erotica, both about dominance and submission (D/s). They both painted very different pictures of that kind of relationship. I’ll get to my review of them this week (I promise), but first I’d like to start with a popular series of books on D/s relationships that most people will at least know of, if not read: 50 Shades of Grey.

In full disclosure I did not read past the first book of 50 Shades. Please don’t email me and to tell me that the books got better or the dynamic between the two main characters changed. After the first book I knew I wasn’t terribly interested, because I felt that while it may have been a hot and steamy book, the relationship was unhealthy at best.

But was it the author’s responsibility to portray a real D/s relationship?

Maybe?

A lot of people really liked those books. Some people even said they improved their sex life. My rub is these books have been the first introduction to kink for a lot of people, and the picture it paints isn’t very flattering. Even more, the books perpetuated terrible stereotypes.

My issues aren’t with the exchange in power or the acts of submission and dominance portrayed…My issues with the book are the mental health of the characters. Christian Gray is a broken man with serious stalker tendencies, and because he’s damaged he’s into sadism and domination (at least that’s the conclusion the book seems to draw).

To be honest I think Anastasia was an idiot to give him control when it was clear the man needed to see a therapist. But perhaps this was the author’s purpose, if pure, virginal Anastasia can ‘fix’ him, he won’t need to be into BDSM.

The book furthers the impression that BDSM relationships are wrong and people who enjoy them have issues. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder) has listed sexual sadism and sexual masochism as a “paraphilia” for years. Putting these into a mental health manual tells society there’s something wrong with people who enjoy it. The view in the Psychiatric community has changed over the years. The American Psychiatric Association website posted updates to the paraphilic disorders and actually said that "most people with atypical sexual interests do not have a mental disorder."

As a matter of fact a published study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has found that people who participate in BDSM have better mental health then people who only practice ‘vanilla’ sex. The report says BDSM participants were “less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being.” Perhaps it’s because the BDSM community encourages open communication and honesty. In order to participate in a healthy BDSM relationship, there’s a lot of give and take.

But back to 50 Shade…The portrayal of Christian goes back to these old notions that Doms must have control issues. There has to be something wrong with them in order to enjoy the dominance and sadism.

Fantasy is fantasy and I’d like to think readers can identify that this is not a manual to kink, but with the movie coming out there’s a new drive to say 50 Shades is just a book that romanticizes an abusive relationship.

Bullshit. 

When I hear things like:

Mass book burning of 50 Shades:
'I do not think I can put into words how vile I think this book is and how dangerous I think the idea is that you get a sophisticated but naive, young women and a much richer, abusive older man who beats her up and does some dreadful things to her sexually. 'My main objection is that at a time when local authorities are making cuts to outreach and refuge services for women experiencing domestic violence, we have libraries wasting and grossly misusing public money to buy a book which says: "domestic violence is sexy".

or

Leaning in and submitting, whether in life or in fantasy are not "hot" -- they are belittling. These actions erase us as women, as people.
But, the solution. Let's stand up straight, we can bounce at the knees for a stronger stance and flexibility as we stand, but we must refuse to kneel. The farther we lean in, the faster we're going to end up down and down is the last place we want to be. a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vanessa-garcia/why-i-wont-lean-in_b_3586527.html">Huffington Post

These recent articles are the reasons I care. That a book...(and not one I find very accurate) has the power to make women ashamed for their fantasies  (or the opposite, men to feel like abusers because they have the desire to be dominate), is a load of crap. 

I don't mind being whipped, as long as she handcuffs me first.

 

Hey, if it’s not your thing fine, but we should stop shamming people who are in consensual relationships that exchange power.  We need to stop shamming women and men for fantasizing or enjoying sex that out of the norm. As long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual why does it matter?

While I agree fiction is an escape, there should be some responsibility in the author's hands.  Just like I scream that there needs to be more balance in the sexism presented in comics and games, I believe there needs to be balance in books.  Let me enjoy my smut.  Give me real characters. Don't perpetuate stereotypes. Shade my fantasies with TRUTH not Grey.

If you’re interesting in learning what a D/s relationship can be like, the author of Diary of a Submissive has a wonderful article about what 50 Shades got wrong. This is just one view...there are many different types of BDSM relationships out there.

What's up Wednesday 09/04/13

What’s Up Wednesday is a weekly meme geared toward readers and writers, allowing us to touch base with blog friends and let them know what’s up. Should you wish to join us, you will find the link widget at the bottom of Jaime’s post. We really hope you will take part!

Wow is it really Wednesday already?!?!  Holiday weekends have a way of really making the week short.

What I'm Reading

I guiltily abandoned my reading list this week (didn't finish the Zombies Fallout or start Kitty Norville's new adventure) in exchange for several books in  Wicked Lovers series by Shayla Black.  Now that I've finished book 6 (just a few minutes ago).  I have book 7 on my kindle now, but I need to get serious about finishing up my critique for my writing group. I still have almost half the book to get through by Friday.  The Little Prince is still on this list with my Daughter and now that we've finished Ender's Game my Son and I have started The Knife of Never Letting Go.  September looks to be another busy reading month as several of my favorite authors have books coming out.

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that my list never seems to go down.

What I'm Writing

Blogging: My review deficit is getting worse.  I think I'm going to bunch the series together instead of giving them each a review to get me caught up.

Other Writing: Started on first round edits for the Anthology I'm working on.  Working with other Authors is a lot like herding cats!!  I'm happy, so far with the stories turned in and thing this will be an interesting Erotic/Romantic Anthology. 

Novel: Still trying to push through to the ending of my Modern Fantasy novel, but I'm feeling less inspired. I've come up with plot outlines for two new novels in the last week. *sigh* I'm committed to finishing, and have decided to put myself on a deadline (since it worked so well with the anthology.) I'm going to put my book inline for editing for October.  That will mean I NEED to have a first round draft done by then.  There I said it out loud...

What Else I've Been Up To

My domestic spree didn't last long. However, I did manage to get new blinds up in the master bedroom before my strange cleaning and handy man spree fizzled. Work has really been beating me down, but everyone is back from vacation now, and I've finished some projects.  Here's to hoping the short week gives me time to catch my breath!

What Inspires Me Right Now

G+ has snared my attention the past few weeks. I've found some really great sites and interesting articles that have really spiked those creative juices.  If you're not active on Google+, I encourage you to follow me. I try and pass along great content.

Some highlights from my G+ feed:

Found a kick ass kickstarter to help fund!

Lilith Dark is not your typical pink lovin' princess type. She's an adventure seeking, beastie slaying kid with attitude!


Ordered some lovely minimalist Fan Art for my upstairs loft:

 

I've also encouraged all my followers to join in the campaign to make Revenge Porn illegal.

  

The excitement over the upcoming Under The Skin.  The upcoming movie is based on a book of the same name that is a dark Science Fiction by Michel Faber:

 

 

So that's what's been up with me this week.  How has your week been?

Shame is an epidemic

Too many of us were raised in a family or culture that encouraged shame. Not only that you should feel shame, but you should shame others. We are discouraged from expressing emotions. We are told: “Don’t be a baby.” “Big kids don’t cry.” Or “Man up.” So instead of developing skills to express our feeling, we internalize and develop shame.

“Shame is not guilt.
Shame is a focus on self,
Guilt is a focus on behavior.
Shame is “I am bad”
Guilt is “I did something bad”
~ Brene Brown ~

 

Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on shame really inspired me to take a long look at the shame culture that surrounded me. I personally have very little shame.  Without shame I find myself happier than I've ever been, but I still have friends that grapple with this issue on a daily basis.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I've never felt shame.  It took years to shed the chains of shame surrounding my body and sex that were forced onto me by well meaning adults in my life. When I was finally able to get over them, I was able to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

But after getting married and having kids I was surprised to find myself shackled with a whole new round of shame involving my parenting skills.

Becoming a mother should have been the most rewarding experience of my life, but again I found myself filled with self-doubt and shame over my abilities, over the fact I wasn't June Clever. Even worse OTHER moms heaped on loads of judgment and ridicule.  Trust me the playground is a brutal war ground. 

It wasn’t until I had a young mother show up on my doorstep unexpectedly, needing to talk. I invited her in, into my messy house (I like to joke my style is postmodern burglarized.) I apologized for the mess, filled with shame over my lack of a ‘company ready’ house. But it was after our talk (she’d been struggling with her mother-in-law and wanted some advice) when she thanked me, and told me how nice it was to see that other moms weren’t perfect all the time.

Never going to make the cover of Better Homes and Gardens

 

That’s when I realized I needed to ditch the shame. As long as my kids were happy and healthy, well adjusted (as well adjusted they can get with parents like us) I’m doing what my family needs and I didn’t need the guilt and shame.  Really aren't we all just trying to do our best?  Make other's feel bad won't make us feel any better.

Shame and gender.

Shame for women is something I’m well acquainted with. My early years, like so many women, were filled with shame. Shame about my body, shame about my intelligence, shame about my sexuality. Shame, for women, is a complex web woven with unobtainable, conflicting, and competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be.

And that’s the kicker. There’s no way to win. Be a sexual goddess, but demure. Be a loving, hands on mom, always there for you kids, but have a successful career. Do all this and have a house ready for a photo shot at all times.

It took me a long time, a wonderful marriage, and some really good friendships before I learned not to give a fuck about what society expects of me. So yes, I know what it’s like to feel shame as a woman.

The thing that struck me from Brown’s talk was when she spoke about how men feel shame. Brené tells of the man who inspired her to begin studying men, not just women. What he said shocked me:

“You say to reach out, tell your story, be vulnerable. . . but [my wife and three daughters] would rather me die on my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out to be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us, and don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads, because the women in my life are harder on me than anybody else.”

That quote was like a kick in the gut. He’s right and wrong. So often we expect our men to be sensitive and open, but never stop being the strong providers and defenders. I think back to when I was a SAHM and how my husband told me how he felt like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders because he was our sole bread winner.

So my fellow women, we do not hold the market on Shame. I need to kiss my husband now.

“Me too.”

Secrecy, silence, and judgment are the breeding ground for shame, but Empathy is the antidote to shame. Working with breast cancer survivors has really taught me the best way to help someone get over shame is to share your own experience. Having someone else say, “Yes, that happened to me.”  

The best thing we can do is speak up and DON’T Judge.  By coming together, being empathetic, we can help put shame in its place.

Shame is “the swampland of the soul.” 

~Carl Jung.

Jung was on to something there. But the one thing we need to remember:

We don’t have to live there. DON'T get stuck there. Put on some galoshes and wade through that shit. Get to the other side. It's nice over here...and we have cookies (or was that the dark side?!?!) Hell we at least have liquor.  So, drop the shame and join me. :)